Disordered Eating and beyond...Part 1

When I was 15 when I saw my first "Fitness" competition. 

I was at my friends house when it came on tv. 

The super muscled up girls. 

The tan. 

The dance routines. 

The bikinis.

I wanted to be those girls! 

I was a naturally thin teenager...and I loved working out...I had found what I loved to do. 

I started doing step aerobics in my living room ...Jane Fonda videos....I know I know...it was the 80s. 

I did step for Sooo long...years actually 3-4 days a week. But I looked the same. Never really made any changes to my body. Less body fat yes but I added zero muscle.

Then I became super obsessed with working out...I completely overdid it...I was 21/22 and did so much cardio that I got down to under 100 pounds...at 5' 8". I would do 1-1.5 hours of cardio daily and  I was not eating enough..to sustain my crazy workouts.  My hair started to fall out. My friends were super worried about me. I looked awful. And felt even worse. I was dizzy everyday...all day. This went on for about 6 months. 

Healthy normal weight vs. obsessive cardio and too low calories. 

I started seeing a psychiatrist who immediately put me on antidepressants...Prozac and Paxil...and I gained 50 pounds....for a person with disordered eating and over exercising...50 pounds was too much. Very Unhealthy. And really messed with my head for many years. I went from a negative size 0 to a size 14 in a year and a half. 

I needed talk therapy...not a pill.

I needed someone to guide me to how to exercise the right way....how to not overdo it.

I needed a healthy role model. 

I needed someone well versed in food...to help me make healthy choices...a balance. 

I got none of these things. 

Just a pill and weight gain of 50 pounds. 

After the 50 pound gain!!

The crazy thing is when you take these pills you think you look great. So I never knew how horrible I looked. How bloated. Puffy. Unhealthy. 

Bloated and puffy! 

Until I was in Chicago..by the Sears Towers...I was 24ish walking down the street thinking I looked amazing. I had a purple tight silky shirt on with purple sunglasses...(yes I know horrible)... It was the mid 1990s...those huge mirrored towers showed a different version of what I thought I looked like. When I saw this ridiculous girl walking with a too tight shirt on and fat rolls...I realized it was me....I cried all the way back home. 6 hours. 

I immediately went on a "diet" meaning I cut out YooHoo chocolate milk drinks replacing them with water...and for lunch I had a lunchable. I thought this was super healthy. It was 1997. I lost about 15 pounds very quickly. But I was no where near fit. Not at all. 

Down about 15 pound but not healthy or fit...not by a long shot! 

Still very unhealthy. I thought diet cokes and bean burritos were healthy. 

To be continued.....